Things I only wish I was kidding about

Things I only wish I was kidding about


I was serious. No V key. And I still have yet to receive an explanation of what happened. All I get was “I have no idea”. From a 33 year old man. “I have no idea.” And somehow, he’s still alive.

There are four things in this house that are MINE and that everyone knows to keep their grubby little hands off: My guitars & equipment, my camera, my peanut butter granola bars, and my laptop. Everything else I own gets destryoed by the clueless husband or the monkey-like children or the smelly dog and I rarely complain. But, he breaks my laptop while I’m out and then tells me he has no idea what happened. He didn’t even have enough sense to blame it on the dog. (Has he learned NOTHING?!)

And if you don’t think that’s enough to justify killing him, please, just take a look at my dining room table:


People! There are 37 bags and 4 boxes of Utz potato chips on my dining room table. Just sitting there. Making a mess. Making us look like disgusting, gluttonous pigs. Making us look like we’re collecting welfare.

So, my husband comes in with some chips in his hands. He says, “While I was working, the Utz guy was unloading these and asked if I wanted some.” Ummm, okay, whatever. Then he goes outside and brings in some more. Then he goes back outside and brings in even more. 4 more trips later, this is what my dining room table looks like. It took me 15 minutes just to be able to form the words to ask him “WHY!?!” because I was so perplexed at the fact that there are 40 bags of chips in my dining room.

His answer, “Well, he was just going to throw them away!”
My response, “Well, WE are just going to throw them away! So what’s the difference?”

I’ve mentioned before that Ty is one of 12 children in his family. He grew up pretty poor and learned to be resourceful and, lucky me!, not waste any food. So, I guess in his head it was somehow wrong to let the Potato Chip Man throw away 40 bags of chips. But, ummmm, dude. DUDE! We do not have 12 children! We are not poor! We don’t even really eat chips! I mean, we’ll have a handful with a sandwich or something, but when I buy a bag, I usually end up throwing it away a third full because they’ve gone stale. And, if in the off chance that one of us decides that we would like some chips and we don’t have any chips, I think it’s safe to say that we can afford to go out and buy a bag. We’re crazy like that!

Who the fuck needs 40 bags of chips? And what the hell am I going to do with them?

I mean, I guess I could take them to a homeless shelter or something like that, where they might actually get eaten. But, hey, thanks honey! Thank you for volunteering me to do charity work! (OMG!!!1 You selfish wh0Re, how can y0u c0mPlain aBouT doiNg ChaRity?!!?!1)(That’s not it, people, it’s the PRINCIPLE.)

I could just be lazy and throw them out. But, I’ve mentioned here before that you actually have to PAY to put your trash out in my township. (No, I’m not kidding.) That means, I’m PAYING to get rid of the FREE chips that my husband so brilliantly decided to bring home.

Are you understanding yet why it’s so amazing that he is still alive?