Baby Steps

Baby Steps

What? Who wrote that last entry trying to make the world believe that I actually like my family once in a while? It surely couldn’t have been me. But, it was. I was having a moment, you know? But I promise never to let it happen again.

I’ve received a ton of emails from people congratulating me and my husband for getting through our rough patch and some others from people asking me how we did it. The truth is, I still wouldn’t say we’ve made it completely through. But, things are considerably better than they were a few months ago.

When I started talking about having issues in our marriage, I kind of blew it off to everyone as a “bad but not dire” situation. I assured everyone that asked that divorce was not in the cards and that I was positive we would make it through it. But I was pretty full of shit. The truth is, I thought about getting a divorce every single minute of every single day for a while. I was sleeping on the sofa bed in my office. I spent most of my evenings on the back deck with my laptop so that I didn’t have to be inside the house, suffocating. While out there, I would look around our yard at all of the kids toys and I would get a lump in my throat thinking about what an impact a divorce would have on them, how much their lives would change. I felt like an asshole and a failure because I felt like I just couldn’t hang in there any longer. It wasn’t selfishness – I couldn’t hang in there because of the children. I never wanted them to know the truth. I did not want them subjected to the nightmare that had become our household any longer. But I knew they would never understand that and that I would always be, to them, the one that just gave up and broke up our family. That feeling damn near killed me.

I never really talked about what happened with us and probably never really will. But because of that, I received a lot of feedback from people, through emails and in person, telling me that I was just a spoiled, selfish brat that needed to suck it up and realize that it’s life, not a movie, and that there never really are any “happy endings”. I took that feedback just as seriously as I did everything else because they were right. I wondered if I was just expecting too much, as I tend to do that in all aspects of my life, and if I was, in the end, really just shadowboxing my way into divorce.

But I decided that I wasn’t. And I still 100% believe that.

FACT: I am selfish.
FACT: I am and always have been a spoiled brat.
FACT: These are not the reasons why my marriage almost ended.

I’m only writing this because he says he is okay with it and I think it’s a crucial piece to the puzzle: Ty is an alcoholic. He was long before I met him. In fact, when I met him, he was sober. He started drinking again a short while after we were together and, because I never knew him the other way, I didn’t consider it to be a big deal. He was fine in the beginning. Then, just like that, he wasn’t. And the chain of events that followed because of this is what almost killed our marriage.

Sure, this isn’t the only problem and I would be a lying fool if I said that I am not responsible for part of the blame. But every other problem in our marriage is just your average marital bullshit that almost every other couple faces. They are just road blocks. They are manageable. His drinking, however, is not.

I do a whole lot of Ty bashing on this site in the name of humor. But the truth is, he’s a really good guy. He is an amazing father and has probably the strongest work ethic out of anyone I’ve ever known in my entire life. He loves me and would do just about anything for me, despite all of my quirks and ridiculous neuroses’ – which is really saying a lot. A LOT. But, he has a temper on him and when he drinks it is magnified 10 fold. I hate to say it because it really is so cliche, but it really is like watching Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde. When he drinks, he turns from the man that I married into a complete stranger.

He has been sober for two months now, as of yesterday. Everyone has their demons. God only knows that I do. This is his and he is fighting it. It took me packing his shit up and throwing it at him on our back deck for him to fight it, but he is fighting it and that’s as much as I can ask for right now.

This is why I refuse to jump the gun and say that we’re in the clear, all good. Since the day he quit drinking, life has been a million times better. I feel like I finally have the man that I married back. But, I worry every single day about what is going to happen next. And so, I just try to focus on right now.

And right now, life is good.

(Oh my God, back to the funny tomorrow, I promise.)