Yesterday was a day. You know – a Never Gonna End day. A day that involved juggling two dozen things at once with only two hands (contrary to any other given day when I have more than two hands…) while fifty or so pounds of all things Life related kept weighing me down. A day where you just lean against the shower wall as the water runs down your back and think to yourself, This is the rest of my life. This is as good as it’s ever gonna get.
Of course, it’s not as good as it gets. But when you’re being pulled in every which direction, when everyone keeps asking and expecting things of you , when the girl throws herself down in the middle of the grocery store kicking and screaming because she can’t have a bag of Halloween candy for breakfast and the entire store is glaring at you with that look of ‘God, can’t you control that kid?’ and the boy is screaming because he doesn’t want to stay in the cart but you can’t let him down to walk or else he’ll tear open every bag of potato chips with his teeth, when all you need is more time and it feels like all you get is less and less, when it feels like every time you try to do the right thing it blows up in your face, it just feels that way.
By the end of dinner last night, my brain felt like it had swollen three times it’s normal size and all I wanted was to lay down in bed, put a pillow over my head, fall asleep, and not wake up until Saturday afternoon. Of course, I couldn’t because there were dishes the be done, children to be bathed and dressed – children who wouldn’t stop smacking and ripping out each other’s hair and then screaming as if they had their flesh ripped from their bones, Halloween decorations that had been pulled out that needed to be put away, invoices that had to be done, 3 piles of unfolded laundry just sitting on my couch laughing at me, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Finally, I just snapped and spent the rest of the night yelling and snapping at everyone because, Jesus! Five minutes!! Just five minutes where I don’t have to listen to a blood curling shriek or dig play dough out of my carpet!! FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?! WHY IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?
Of course, you snap, and then everyone looks at you like, Jeeze. Take a deep breath and a shot of Thorazine, woman. And then you feel like a total shit.
After a long, hot shower, a handful of Excedrin, and an hour of the kids being sound asleep in bed, I was feeling mostly better and went in their room to tuck them in. I sat in there for over an hour just watching them sleep, watching their chests rise up and down, wondering what they were dreaming about. Then I realized that someday not too long from now, I won’t be able to do that. Someday, they won’t be here to pierce my eardrums, to throw Legos at my head, to drive me so completely batshit insane that I start to understand why people run their vehicles over bridges. I thought about how much I will miss them, how a home will never be the same without them. And that’s when I realized… this really is as good as it gets.