Things I only wish I was kidding about

Things I only wish I was kidding about


I was serious. No V key. And I still have yet to receive an explanation of what happened. All I get was “I have no idea”. From a 33 year old man. “I have no idea.” And somehow, he’s still alive.

There are four things in this house that are MINE and that everyone knows to keep their grubby little hands off: My guitars & equipment, my camera, my peanut butter granola bars, and my laptop. Everything else I own gets destryoed by the clueless husband or the monkey-like children or the smelly dog and I rarely complain. But, he breaks my laptop while I’m out and then tells me he has no idea what happened. He didn’t even have enough sense to blame it on the dog. (Has he learned NOTHING?!)

And if you don’t think that’s enough to justify killing him, please, just take a look at my dining room table:


People! There are 37 bags and 4 boxes of Utz potato chips on my dining room table. Just sitting there. Making a mess. Making us look like disgusting, gluttonous pigs. Making us look like we’re collecting welfare.

So, my husband comes in with some chips in his hands. He says, “While I was working, the Utz guy was unloading these and asked if I wanted some.” Ummm, okay, whatever. Then he goes outside and brings in some more. Then he goes back outside and brings in even more. 4 more trips later, this is what my dining room table looks like. It took me 15 minutes just to be able to form the words to ask him “WHY!?!” because I was so perplexed at the fact that there are 40 bags of chips in my dining room.

His answer, “Well, he was just going to throw them away!”
My response, “Well, WE are just going to throw them away! So what’s the difference?”

I’ve mentioned before that Ty is one of 12 children in his family. He grew up pretty poor and learned to be resourceful and, lucky me!, not waste any food. So, I guess in his head it was somehow wrong to let the Potato Chip Man throw away 40 bags of chips. But, ummmm, dude. DUDE! We do not have 12 children! We are not poor! We don’t even really eat chips! I mean, we’ll have a handful with a sandwich or something, but when I buy a bag, I usually end up throwing it away a third full because they’ve gone stale. And, if in the off chance that one of us decides that we would like some chips and we don’t have any chips, I think it’s safe to say that we can afford to go out and buy a bag. We’re crazy like that!

Who the fuck needs 40 bags of chips? And what the hell am I going to do with them?

I mean, I guess I could take them to a homeless shelter or something like that, where they might actually get eaten. But, hey, thanks honey! Thank you for volunteering me to do charity work! (OMG!!!1 You selfish wh0Re, how can y0u c0mPlain aBouT doiNg ChaRity?!!?!1)(That’s not it, people, it’s the PRINCIPLE.)

I could just be lazy and throw them out. But, I’ve mentioned here before that you actually have to PAY to put your trash out in my township. (No, I’m not kidding.) That means, I’m PAYING to get rid of the FREE chips that my husband so brilliantly decided to bring home.

Are you understanding yet why it’s so amazing that he is still alive?

Stop! Minivan Time! (See? It doesn’t work)

Stop! Minivan Time! (See? It doesn’t work)

The time is coming, my friends: Minivan time. Which is nothing at all like Hammer Time and can’t be danced to – please don’t try.

I’ve written about it here before a few times but I’ve been able to successfully keep putting it off. But it’s getting more and more difficult to do so. When we have Ty’s kids, we have more children than we do seating in the Jeep. 5 passenger seating with 6 passengers, two of whom require clunky car seats = someone getting strapped to the roof. We’ve been able to put it off this long because of the fact that Ty’s pickup has room for 6 passengers, but it is so cramped that even after a 10 minute car ride, we all end up hating each other – more so than usual.

So my options are either a 7 passenger SUV or a minivan. Both are so stereotypically Suburban-Mom, it makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. Nothing against anyone with a minivan or anything – most of them are really nice and they’re practical and spacious as all hell, I totally understand why anyone, even with 2 kids, has one – it just personally makes me feel… old… or something. Plus, for some reason, it’s really hard for me to part with the Jeep (and I really don’t like the 7 passenger Jeeps at all). It’s the first thing I actually bought all by myself, besides my guitars, and that I’ve had since before Ty and the kids. Memories and nostalgia and all that. I’m sure that it’s mostly just me not wanting to accept the fact that I really am a fucking grown up now. But, I mean, I’ve got to face reality at some point or another, right? And it’s better this than to start wearing light up holiday-themed sweatshirts, right? Right. Smack me for even putting a question mark after that last one.

But, you know, the thing is over 6 years old now and, eventually, driving around with a kid strapped to the roof is going to get me in some hot water. And so, the time is coming. I’m not saying it’s here yet. I’ve got to get myself used to it for a while (another 6 months maybe? a year? 5 years? Hell, if I wait another four years, the oldest will be in college and there will be no need for 6 passenger seating anymore. Hmmm….) . But it is coming.

If have or know of a vehicle with the seating I need that you think might change my mind, feel free to tell me.

A woman named Robin (holla!) emailed me this morning to ask how I like my Jeep. She just got one and said she’s having a hard time adjusting to the size, having driven smaller cars all her life. That’s not my problem at all. In fact, I hate getting in smaller cars now because I feel like I’m riding around in a dune buggy. That being said, if I were to purchase a vehicle right now without having to take the seating thing into consideration, it would be an orange, convertable MINI Cooper, for sure. (I know, Racheal, your retinas are burning out of your skull…)

Think if I write a letter, they’ll manufacture a 6 passenger Mini Cooper?