I spent two and a half hours in the the bathtub last night. I would have been in there longer, but after three glasses of wine, I decided it was better to go back to my family rather than drown to death. (Obviously, I really WAS drunk!)
I found everyone sleeping in the family room in their clothes in front of the TV with cheetos ground into the carpet. But, gotta love the wine, I didn’t care and instead of cleaning and getting everyone to bed, I watched American Idol and Lost on TiVo and talked to two of my friends on the phone without anyone crying in the background or shitting themselves AND had another glass of wine!
It was utopia. Very, very drunk utopia.
I woke up with a chocolate covered pretzel stick dangling from my mouth.
When everyone woke up, I was -get this- CHEERFUL! And HAPPY to see all of them! I greeted everyone with good mornings and kisses and offered to make my husband a hot breakfast before he left for work.
As my husband stood bewildered, wondering who could have body-snatched his wife, Lil Miss ran through each room of the house searching for the Real Mama.
I took some videos of the kids goofing around and pieced them together and since everyone’s coming down with YouTube fever (even though the bastards deleted Lil Miss singing The OC theme song – something about my kid being too unbelievably cute for the average human being to handle…), here ya go: (Welcome to my morning)
Ya’ll, I am breaking internet boundaries!
I am blogging while in the bathroom!
One thing you should never do: blog while in the bathroom. It’s just wrong on all kinds of different levels. Also, you run the risk of dumping your laptop into the tub at any given moment.
Another thing you should never do: blog while drunk. Not only does it make you one of Paula Abdul’s peers, but you also doubly run the risk of dumping your laptop into the tub.
But I’ve got kids. Demanding, bratty little life-sucking kids with allergies and big attitudes and lots of snot. So, when my husband came home from work and saw me on the verge of tears because the THREE YEAR OLD told me that I’m ‘IRRITATING’ her! Can you IMAGINE? The nerve! The irony! And also, the baby hasn’t stopped ripping the little hairs out of the nape of my neck all friggin day and I’m going to be bald before the day is over. And also also, I couldn’t stop stuttering all day when I spoke and I think that there’s something seriously wrong with me. And even more alsos, I had to deal with Dell customer service today for three hours -THREE HOURS!- and they speak nothing but broken-Indian-English and I had to keep saying “Excuse me?” and the guy was clearly getting annoyed with me and it made me feel like I was being racist or something because I was getting annoyed that he couldn’t speak English and then I got pissed off because FUCK THIS FLACK, I SAID I’D NEVER GO DELL AGAIN AND HERE I AM DEALING WITH DELL ANYWAY AND YOU STILL SUCK AS USUAL AND YA’LL CAN SUCK IT! And yes, I really said FLACK to a Dell associate and THANK GOD he speaks such broken English because he would have split his pancreas in half laughing at me otherwise – That’s when he grabbed the baby from my manic arms in sheer terror and begged me to have a glass of whine and take a bubble bath (quickly followed by removing all available razors. So you’ll just have to deal with my stubbly legs.) At first he acted as though he was actually going to have to CONVINCE me to come take a bubble bath, but once he realized that he was holding a 14 lb baby and eating my dust, I think he realized how foolish that was.
So here I am, breaking internet boundaries, blogging while drunk in my bathtub.
Who wants to make a bet with me that my 3 year old is banging on the bathroom door as I type this whining for me to let her in because she wants to take a bath with me? Actually, I withdraw the bet because I WOULDN’T KNOW! Because I have the volume of my MP3 player turned up so loud, I might rupture an eardrum.
But ha! What a small price to pay for solitude and naked, drunken blogging.