I’m Back! Now With More Cranberry & Vodka!

I’m Back! Now With More Cranberry & Vodka!

The internet is so weird. Seriously. If I so much as leave the first r out of February, I get 15 emails in the matter of hours letting me know what a fucking moron am I and how I should go back to first grade and take some spelling lessons or just letting me know that Hey! there’s this handy little gizmo on your toolbar called spellcheck. Use it, motherfucker. But I exceed my bandwidth and have no website at all for 24+ hours and I get all of three emails. THREE.* Total. That’s it. You’re all off my Christmas card list. Which reminds me, I never sent out my Christmas cards last year. But that’s because I never got a chance to write any out. Because, well, I never bought any. But THIS year I am so making a Christmas card list and I’m going to put your names on it and then cross them all off. TAKE THAT!

But really, I didn’t even notice that my website was down until this morning because I’ve been busy. I won’t bore you with the mundane and exhausting details. All I’ll say is that there were CONTRACTORS in the house that we’ve lived in for less than a year and I heard the words ADDITION and FOUNDATION and NEW ROOF and LOTS AND LOTS OF DOLLA’ DOLLA’ BILLS being thrown around. I didn’t hear the rest, though, because I had to excuse myself so that I could barf in private. So, I didn’t have any time to check up on the site. Figures it goes down when I’m not around.

WHY would you be putting yourself through a major house renovation, you ask? Because, I answer, we are sadistic, materialistic, unsatisfied fools. That is the best answer I can give you.

Really, though, we’ve had these plans in mind since we bid on this house. We only had X amount of cash to spend on a house and we decided that instead of getting a really kickass house in an okay neighborhood, we would get an okay house in a really kickass neighborhood and improve it as we go along.

(By kickass I mean snobby, stereotypical, and yuppified. But the school system can’t be beat, crime is almost non-existent, and we live on the river. So, that’s also what I mean by awesome.)

(But I had no idea that living on a river would be SO FUCKING COLD in the winter time. Also, since it’s the Delaware River, I can’t look at the amazing view without thinking about all the dead bodies that must be floating around in there. So, scratch the whole river thing off the awesome list.)

I just tried to proof-read this and it’s not making any sense at all, which only means one thing: happy hour is well into gear. Happy weekend, everyone.